Ever notice how many games are based on rescuing princesses? Zelda, Mario, The Princess Bride game I continue to wait for – all of these games feature damsels in distress awaiting rescue from their dashing hero. What is with all of these princess-nappings? Only drunken hicks have a higher likelihood for abduction than princesses. I’m pretty sure it’s just about the only task listed in their job description.
Protect Me Knight answers the question that most stories tend to gloss over: what if someone actually tried to prevent the princess from being captured? Perhaps we shouldn’t leave her locked outside the gates like a castaway piece of furniture wearing a “free to any passing hoodlum” sign? It turns out protecting princesses can be as much fun as rescuing them, especially when playing with some friends, bopping along to the fantastic retro soundtrack and laughing at the intentionally cheesy text. The whole thing is an enormous love letter to 8-bit gaming, and it’s pulled off to perfection.
The game initially feels and looks (and sounds) a lot like the original Legend of Zelda, but without the exploration and with four-player support. Each player chooses a character and the party is dumped into a single-screen level with a princess barricaded in the center. Single-minded goons traipse in from every direction with the sole desire of wrecking the princess’ day. As the name implies, the players must prevent this from happening so that she can survive her journey to the castle and become a tyrannical empress who levies crippling taxes on the peasant-folk.
Aside from the hacking and slashing, the players can also upgrade the barricades on the fly, repair damaged ones or create new ones altogether. Some levels begin with the princess exposed like a beacon for the evil meandering trolls, but others begin with her fairly well fortified. Magically, the players have the ability to somehow phase right through the barricades, an ability that comes in handy since some of the enemies have similar specter powers and it’s important to be able to get to her quickly to bust some heads open.
There is never any direct control over the princess, but she can be nudged along by running into her and forcibly suggesting where she ought to be. It’s a pretty silly sight when a green ninja walks into the peppy princess to force her away from the stomping dragon as she keeps blowing hearts to the party. What’s her problem? Do princesses think dragons are just cuddly fire-breathing puppies? Shouldn’t her survival instincts kick in at some point? No wonder these pixilated princesses are always finding their way into the back of bandits’ carts. Being a four-player game, it’s obviously best played with some friends, and we got around the immolated-princess quandary by assigning someone to always be on princess detail. That person (usually me) pushed the princess around the level and out of harm’s way, while the rest of the gang worked on creating trophies for the castle’s walls.
Throughout the round, the princess awards each player hearts, which are basically experience points. After each round concludes, the hearts can be used to upgrade magic, strength, etc. The characters are fairly similar, but each has an ability that can be leveled up with the rest that fleshes out their personality and style. The upgrade system isn’t too complex, but I like feeling that my character is progressing and getting more powerful.
The core gameplay of Protect Me Knight is solid and fun, but what really makes it stand out is the retro flavor that oozes from every sprite. From the opening sequence requiring the player to blow into a fake cartridge to the broken English, this game is clearly designed by people who love to play with power.
Yuzo Koshiro, the composer behind Shinobi, Streets of Rage and Ys, shows that he still has the skills that allowed him to lay down some of the most memorable tunes from the 8 and 16-bit eras. His soundtrack really makes it feel as if this is some long-lost treasure from the 80s that has been unearthed and is being explored for the first time.
The sprites all look and animate very authentically, although there are many times more on-screen sprites than the Nintendo could handle. Still, it looks and feels believable, which is all that really matters. There’s a decent amount of baddies to behead, including zombies, dragons, trolls and specters.
Even the text in the game has been given the old NES Engrish treatment, with constant misspellings and unintelligible sentences. It’s just one more sign that the developer (and translator) had a lot of fun creating this self-aware game, and that they really touch on so many aspects of what made those games so memorable.
While it isn’t the longest game and can be completed in a single sitting, there are four difficulty levels to keep the game at least challenging. Still, this is a game that is about quality over quantity. You don’t spend a few dollars and expect to be taken on an epic journey for forty hours. This game is so much fun, especially with friends, and the nostalgic jokes and touches would be appreciated by anyone who grew up in the 80s and early 90s. If that’s you, then stop reading, go buy it, and have some fun.
Visit the Xbox Live Marketplace to add a free demo of Protect Me Knight to your download queue.
Protect Me Knight was purchased for 240 MS points ($3).
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